Halfway through the week I started feeling like a was on the sure and straight road to recovery. I felt so sure about this I bought a non-refundable ticket back up to Fairbanks (which Alaska Airlines did actually end up refunding). I was eager to rejoin my teammates, many of whom I hadn't seen for the the second half of the season, and the members of the skiing community who are in Fairbanks this week. And then on Friday I felt worse and Saturday morning I made the decision not to go.

I left my duffel bag packed to go back up & then on Thursday I repacked it since I realized I would need less stuff (I had been thinking about coming back up for the pursuit on Friday too). So I've been ready to go back up since I got home on Sunday. It's been very aggravating to be here instead of being at the ski race where I'm supposed to be. Not racing is hard. Although I am glad that I made the decision early in the week to come home because if I was in Fairbanks I would probably be miserable and I would also probably be racing, which is most likely a terrible idea right now.

Maybe if I was tougher I wouldn't have left in the first place, maybe if I was tougher I would be up in Fairbanks getting ready for the 11am start, warming up, picking the right pair of skis, giving feedback on the kick wax. But I'm not. I guess I keep trying to tell myself that it's better to be a wuss now and still be skiing, and skiing fast, in the future. I don't want to become one of the "could've beens." As in: she could've been great but had this lingering illness, she could've been great but overtrained and burned out, she could've been great but never let that knee injury recover. I know you know lots of people about whom you could make statements like that. I really don't want to be one of them.